Changes

Just got back from the library. Being in the library, looking at the stacks and stacks of books, reminds me more and more that I'm not who I want to be, or not who I percieve myself to be. See, I'm wandering through the stacks of books, attracted to the simple girly titles, all the while feeling guilty that I'm not looking for F. Scott Fitzgerald and Sylvia Plath. Isn't it weird how you have this idea of who you are, even though it's crazy different than the truth? I wouldn't know what to do with Sylvia Plath even if I bought the cliff notes.
I'm learning more now than ever that I know myself less and less. I mean, I KNEW who I was in college, I knew that I was the one to call if you didn't want to study, the one to throw the dinner party, the one to call if you needed some free counseling and "wisdom" from someone who's been through it. While I was IN college, I loved the social life much more than the classes. Now, being out of school, I wish I could go back and have 24 more hours in every day and suck all the learning out of Iowa State. Now that I have every night free, I long for the textbooks I sold back, wishing I had my advertising books so I could read up at night and feel a little more confidant when applying for jobs the upcoming morning. I don't know, it's just so weird to not have "student" "advertising major" "Iowa State University" and "Campus Crusade for Christ socialite" to define me. What defines me now, that I'm not an advertising student at Iowa state spending too much time socializing up the school? What kind of music do I like, now that I can't depend on having a Christian radio station to put on whenever I need some tunes? What kind of books do I like when I don't have a discipler or the local Christian culture telling me what the next big author is? Tough.
Man, my life is strange right now. I never in a million years would have expected for this to be my life right now. I feel like this year is such a long waiting moment in my life. Waiting for adulthood, waiting to find out who I really am without Campus crusade telling me, waiting for New York to feel like home, waiting for a "real" job. It's strange, this life of mine. I am so used to "glass-half-full" life theology that it's hard for me to really look at my life and ADMIT that it's tough. But the thing is, I'm doing alright. Little by little I am finding out who I am. Making the decision to be faithful even when I don't understand. Praying that my self-righteous pride will shut itself up while I just try to do the best that I can. And try to push the mother guilt away while I attempt to raise these children the way their parents want me to and push away my questions about whether they'll turn out really weird after watching this much T.V. What a year. :) But the thing is, I'm smiling my little face off right now, listening to John Legend on the computer (a singer I found all by myself and LOVE LOVE LOVE him) and thinking that I wouldn't trade my life for the world. because I know this is where I'm supposed to be. I know that learning all this is going to make me who I am, future tense :). I'm making no sense, right? Well, somehow in this moment, I'm happy, standing in this gap. I suppose these next couple years after college, I'll be climbing that mountain on the other side. And I'll come out on top,

you'll see :)